Finding who I am is a journey that I've been on for thirty years. My journey started when at seventeen I was held at gunpoint by a young man who was there to hurt the friend with whom I was staying. It was shocking and frightening, and though my friend and I both made it through the experience without being physically injured, a couple of days after, a dam broke in my mind. I had a flood of memories that I had locked away. I hid them from myself, so that I could go about my daily life.
All those memories were related to wounds I had suffered to my sexuality. Those wounds worked in the background of every relationship I had: friendships, family, every one . I worked on those wounds with every tool I had at the time. I went to therapy. I practiced forgiveness. I tried to be present with my loved ones. It worked, to a degree. I got married. I had four children whom I gave as much of myself I as I was able, but there was still some part of myself I kept hidden. My deepest heart was still reserved even from my closest relationships. Also, my menstrual cycle continued to be a source of extreme pain and irrational fear.
When my youngest was four she looked so much like I did at that age, that it took less of a shock for the second dam to break. Also, by that time I was doing intuitive art, where I would muscle test myself while painting to access my subconscious. I was seeing images in my paintings over and over that I didn't understand. I poked that itchy spot until I got the rest of my memories. They came as flashbacks, terrifying in their clarity. The violence and the fear as fresh as if they had happened yesterday. Through my art and my work with InnerDialogue™ I started to heal even these deepest wounds. Over the last three years I have done the beautiful work of accepting my past and myself that years of talk therapy could never do for me.
I am still on this journey. I am learning to trust and to love freely. Everyday I get closer to living the life I am meant to have.